sex jokes

SEX JOKES

1.It was a hot summer day and two nuns were painting a room in the convent.
As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.
The second said what if someone should come?
The first said we'll lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock on the door.
The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back "It is the blind man."
The two nuns confer and decide that the blind man can't see anything and let him in, at which time the man says "Nice tits sisters, where do you want these blinds?"

2.How do u find a blind man on a nude beach?

It Aint Hard....

3.What did the blind man say when he walked by the fish market?

Hello ladies

4.There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

5.A little girl at the zoo asks her father, "What's that hanging down from the elephant?"
"That's his trunk," the father replies.
"No! The other thing," persisted the little girl.
"Oh. That's the elephant's penis."
The little girl replied, "Hmmm. How come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?"
"Well... your Mother is a very spoiled woman."

6.One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with
some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor
and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that
Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's
wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you
saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but
it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and
said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at
work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said,
thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said,
"Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500
till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

7.A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to
an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese
sandwich!"

8. Sex is like math, you subtract the clothes,add the bed,divide the legs and pray to god they don't multiply

9.What do you call the inch of skin between the vagina and the ass hole?
The driving range, cuz it's where you hit your balls.

Quotes
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” “Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.” “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” “Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” “My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” “Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Quotes

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.”

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”